This is meant to be funny but will (hopefully) offend at least a few of you. If you object to my satirization of Christmas then I recommend you reconsider dedicating a month to shopping on behalf of an alleged deity which you may or may not even believe in. If you object to my ruination of John Fogerty’s baseball anthem ‘Centerfield’ then I completely understand and welcome your criticisms.

Well, play the harp and wrap the gifts – the snow came down today!
We’re born again, there’s new gifts under the tree.
Leavin the mall, and headed for home, it’s a brown-eyed handsome man;
Anyone can understand the way I feel.

Oh, put me in, jesus – I’m ready to shop today;
Put me in, jesus – I’m ready to shop today;
Look at me, I can be Santa Claus.

Well, I spent some time in the outlet malls, watchin’ it from the street;
You know I took some lumps when the mob trampled me down.
So say hey Frosty, tell Virginia and mr hanky the christmas poo;
Don’t say “it ain’t so”, you know that Santa’s real.


Got a crooked tree, a homemade star, and brand-new box of lights;
You know I think it’s time to give this holiday a ride.
Just to hit the mall and buy it all – a moment in the Gap;
Now you’re broke and you can tell that mall goodbye!



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