The other, other white meat

Posted in Random Haiku on August 2, 2016 by impliedmortality

We had a baby

We named the baby Calvin

And got a tiger

MLB Replay Rules; revised

Posted in Misc. with tags , , , on May 4, 2016 by impliedmortality

1.0 Game play will not be stopped, delayed or otherwise impeded by a replay request regardless of who initiates it (be that a team manager or umpire crew).

1.1 A replay review request may only be initiated within 1/3 inning of the play in question (after the next out has been recorded the play may no longer be reviewed)

2.0 In the event that an off-field replay review over turns an on-field call; the team which benefited from the over turned on-field call will be issued up to four base strikes, with one base strike being issued for each base gained as a direct result of the errant on-field call.

2.1 Upon issuance of the base strike(s) the team which benefited from the errant on-field call will lose base runners or have base runners returned to previous bases equal to the base strike(s) issued on subsequent offensive balls-in-play.

2.1.1 The team having been issued one or more base strikes will be required to eliminate at least one base strike per runner reaching base until all base strikes have been eliminated.

2.1.2 The team having been issued one or more base strikes may also opt to advance the opposing teams runners in base-increments equal to or less than their total base strikes in situations where there are less than 2 outs.

3.0 Base strikes issued will be equal to the base-advantage afforded by the errant on-field call as determined by the off-field review crew.

3.1 Base strikes will only be enforced on base runners reaching base as the result of a batted ball with the exception of a home run which leaves the field of play.

3.1.1 An ‘in the park’ home run, or ball batted into the field of play which results in the batter scoring a run will be treated as a 4 base hit for purposes of the base strike replay rule.


Life Saved

Posted in Amazon Reviews on October 12, 2015 by impliedmortality
They asked me to review one of the oldest candies in America, I agreed because it gives me an excuse to write some hyperbolic nonsense and link the product from here.  I stopped writing reviews on the Amazon site because they cap the comment to some twitter-esque number of characters and I don’t like my sarcasm being restricted like that.

Lifesavers were discovered in 1912 somewhere in Ohio by some guy named Clarence Crane.  The candy was good, which should be obvious because it’s 2015 and still exists.  However, the hard candy market has gotten more competitive over the last century and Amazon has asked me to review it so I can only assume that there are throngs of people clamoring for hard candies in the shape of donuts but unsure of which donut shaped hard candy to try first.

Try LifeSavers First!  They will (maybe) literally (not literally) save your life!  Just ask the guy who discovered the first LifeSaver mine way back in 1912.

“I’ve been telling people for 103 years now that LifeSavers are not candy, they’re minerals from this weird ass mine I found down by the crick.”  Clarence told me by telegram.  “I don’t think you should eat them.”

Crazy old Clarence Crane!  He’s a stitch and he swears he’s never even once put one in his mouth.

We asked Clarence; ‘How do these save your life?’ to which he replied.  “They don’t.”

Clarence continued; “I’ve said over and over again these are not candy, they’re rocks that I think we all ought to be very concerned about.  Rocks should not be this color or shape, they’re too regular, how did that happen?  Why does the mine never go empty? We’ve not dug once, not once!  LifeSaver Co. has purchased exactly zero mining equipment, we don’t even own a shovel.  Everyday we go back to the mine and it’s just filled with more and more of these colorful round rocks.”

Clarence is going on 150 years old and we think he may be slipping.  The cherry ones are the life savers, the rest are a trick.  Just ask Clarence.
LifeSavers Hard Candy, Five Classic Flavors, Individually Wrapped, 6.5oz Bag

A Government for the People by the People

Posted in Philosophy, Politics with tags , , , , on September 21, 2015 by impliedmortality

It’s been said that Government ought to be BY the People and FOR the People…but does it need to consist of people?

I believe that we can realize the American dream of an impartial, unbiased governing entity by replacing much of the vast bureaucracy that makes up our (semi-functioning) government with open-sourced software which performs the same functions (without injecting its own beliefs, opinions and prejudices to the situation).

All variety of clerks, representatives, officials and other strata of the Government could be replaced by simple programs and the details of how those programs work, what they allow or don’t allow, what qualifies or doesn’t to be determined by the voting public.  Afterall, the Government is meant to be the national embodiment of our collective preferences – what better way than to remove the primary incubrence to that goal, the people who perform the duties which we’ve imparted upon the Government.


Ride the tide of cleanliness all the way to the bank

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Tide High Efficiency Laundry Detergent, Original Scent, 170 oz- 110 loads (Health and Beauty)

I can’t even begin to describe the impact this laundry soap has had on my life. My clothes are clean, finally and HIGHLY efficiently no less. What’s not to love about clean clothes cleaned in a highly efficient way. Highly efficient.


Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Ziploc Double Zipper Gallon Storage Bags – 52 count

It only took a few minutes to count all 52 bags. That’s 1 bag for every US state and 2 to spare (maybe we’ll use them for Puerto Rico or Canada).

It’s not made from Tin anymore

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil (70-sq. ft. each)- 2-Pack (140 sq. ft. total)

The aluminum was indeed pressed to a very thin sheet, rolled and packaged in a cardboard box to protect it from dents and such. As a bonus after we installed our Aluminum Foil Home Protection system (lining the ceiling and walls) we no longer received the subliminal messages the government transmits in the power lines.

OMG Such Paper So WOW

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Chinet Paper Lunch Plates, 8 3/4″, 225 Count (Health and Beauty)

Who knew a paper plate could bring so much joy into someones life?!?! Upon delivery of this purchase my life completely changed, the sky was bluer, the birds chirped more cheerfully and I started to find little chunks of silver and gold everywhere I went. All thanks to a bag full of paper plates.

Jack Saypat

Posted in Fiction with tags , , , on May 14, 2015 by impliedmortality



“Fuck fuck fuck fuck this fucking shit.”


“Sir, the contestants are ready. We start shooting in 5.”

He shuffles away, immune to the daggers of hate-fire launching from my eyes like tiny hateful solar flares.  Why god, why did I want this?

“Queue the intro.”

I fucking hate the intro.  The same goddamned song every goddamned night for 23 goddamned years.  I didn’t plan to stick around for 23 years, this was supposed to be a stepping stone to a talk show or something, anything.  But the show took off, the checks got bigger and bigger and the models were hot so why the hell not right?  I’ll tell you why the hell not you idiot; it never. fucking. changes.  Never.  It’s the same show every night, with three new dipshit contestants and the same asinine chit-chat before we launch into the really inane ‘game’ that America fucking loves.  I don’t know why and I don’t care.

The announcer interrupts my thoughts with his overly enthusiastic introduction; “Ladies and gentlemen your host Jack Saypat!”

“Fucking douche. I fucking hate that douche.”

I walk on stage, grinning like a fucking moron, nodding to the live audience even though they’re all asshats.  Fat loud asshats here on the vacation of a fucking life time.  They’ll stalk the studio exits for autographs and hand shakes from the man they spend every night (every single fucking night) watching on TV.

“Let’s welcome tonight’s contestants!”

Right, because I cannot fucking wait to hear how many kids Alice has and what her lardass husband does for a living.

“Alice is here from Toledo, tell us about yourself Alice.”

Shut the fuck up Alice.  I don’t listen anymore, there’s no reason to.  This is not a two way conversation even though that’s what we make it seem like.  She tells America about her husband Todd and when she’s done I’ll ask the next dipshit the same question in a different way.

“Roger I hear you have a curious hobby?”

Roger does have a curious hobby but I don’t know what it is and I don’t fucking care.

“And last but certainly not least, our returning champion Christy whose three day winnings total $34,500!”

She starts talking, which is good because I don’t know what bullshit questions I asked yesterday and the days before.  After waaay too much time she stops telling us about her fucking cats and we begin the program in earnest.  My soul dies a little more and for the thirty gazillionth time I say; “Spin! That! Wheel!”

I completely zone out for the rest of the show.  Total auto pilot.  “Jack I’d like to buy a vowel.”  Ugh.  Why do they have to ask me this?  Why?  How does this apply to the game?  Have I ever said no?  Do you know how much I want to say “Sorry, vowels aren’t for sale today.”  I usually spend a solid 25% of the taping just thinking about this.  Just the vowels, that they have to be ‘bought’, who sells vowels?  Why?  It doesn’t make any sense.

“Jack I’d like to solve the puzzle.  People Eat Schoolbus Tornados.”

How would you respond to that shit?  People eat schoolbus tornados?  No that’s not the fucking phrase, the category is American History you fucktard.  And no matter what the category was that crap doesn’t make any sense.  You’re probably the first person in all of human history to put those four words together in that order.  Congratulations, you are humanity’s new low.

“I’m sorry Alice, that’s not the correct phrase.  Christy, it’s your spin.”

Three puzzles later and we’re into my next least favorite part of the show.  The final round, where I have to go chit chat with the days winner, Alice, despite her insanely wrong guesses has bested Christy and Roger…imagine that.

“You know how this works Alice, you can pick 4 letters and you have 30 seconds to solve the puzzle.”

Alice does not know how this works.  She is totally bewildered and I’m not inclined to be helpful.

“What letters would you like Alice?”

What letters indeed, as if it mattered.  Alice doesn’t try to solve the puzzles so much as shout words that maybe kinda sorta might fit into the space available.  And remember she beat the other two dolts.


“X? Are you sure Alice?”

“Yes Jack, I’d like an X, T, C, and F please.”

You got it Alice, you fucking got it.  The long time letter revealing model glances my way, she hates this shit too.

Alice’s letters are not part of tonight’s puzzle.  Alice proceeds to pull words out of her limited mental dictionary for 30 seconds before we’re all saved by the final buzzer.

“I’m sorry Alice but on the bright side you’re leaving tonight with $8,300 and a trip to Cabo!”

Alice is pretty excited and frankly I am too, but for entirely different reasons.  I was sick of looking at Christy’s mustache and when you get close she smelled like old cheese.  It also means taping is done for the day and I am free from this banality, until tomorrow anyway.  I’m Jack Saypat and this is my life.


Posted in Random Haiku with tags , , , , on July 31, 2014 by impliedmortality


it’s been quite some time

do you, do you still haiku

yes, i do haiku