OMG Such Paper So WOW

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Chinet Paper Lunch Plates, 8 3/4″, 225 Count (Health and Beauty)

Who knew a paper plate could bring so much joy into someones life?!?! Upon delivery of this purchase my life completely changed, the sky was bluer, the birds chirped more cheerfully and I started to find little chunks of silver and gold everywhere I went. All thanks to a bag full of paper plates.

Jack Saypat

Posted in Fiction with tags , , , on May 14, 2015 by impliedmortality



“Fuck fuck fuck fuck this fucking shit.”


“Sir, the contestants are ready. We start shooting in 5.”

He shuffles away, immune to the daggers of hate-fire launching from my eyes like tiny hateful solar flares.  Why god, why did I want this?

“Queue the intro.”

I fucking hate the intro.  The same goddamned song every goddamned night for 23 goddamned years.  I didn’t plan to stick around for 23 years, this was supposed to be a stepping stone to a talk show or something, anything.  But the show took off, the checks got bigger and bigger and the models were hot so why the hell not right?  I’ll tell you why the hell not you idiot; it never. fucking. changes.  Never.  It’s the same show every night, with three new dipshit contestants and the same asinine chit-chat before we launch into the really inane ‘game’ that America fucking loves.  I don’t know why and I don’t care.

The announcer interrupts my thoughts with his overly enthusiastic introduction; “Ladies and gentlemen your host Jack Saypat!”

“Fucking douche. I fucking hate that douche.”

I walk on stage, grinning like a fucking moron, nodding to the live audience even though they’re all asshats.  Fat loud asshats here on the vacation of a fucking life time.  They’ll stalk the studio exits for autographs and hand shakes from the man they spend every night (every single fucking night) watching on TV.

“Let’s welcome tonight’s contestants!”

Right, because I cannot fucking wait to hear how many kids Alice has and what her lardass husband does for a living.

“Alice is here from Toledo, tell us about yourself Alice.”

Shut the fuck up Alice.  I don’t listen anymore, there’s no reason to.  This is not a two way conversation even though that’s what we make it seem like.  She tells America about her husband Todd and when she’s done I’ll ask the next dipshit the same question in a different way.

“Roger I hear you have a curious hobby?”

Roger does have a curious hobby but I don’t know what it is and I don’t fucking care.

“And last but certainly not least, our returning champion Christy whose three day winnings total $34,500!”

She starts talking, which is good because I don’t know what bullshit questions I asked yesterday and the days before.  After waaay too much time she stops telling us about her fucking cats and we begin the program in earnest.  My soul dies a little more and for the thirty gazillionth time I say; “Spin! That! Wheel!”

I completely zone out for the rest of the show.  Total auto pilot.  “Jack I’d like to buy a vowel.”  Ugh.  Why do they have to ask me this?  Why?  How does this apply to the game?  Have I ever said no?  Do you know how much I want to say “Sorry, vowels aren’t for sale today.”  I usually spend a solid 25% of the taping just thinking about this.  Just the vowels, that they have to be ‘bought’, who sells vowels?  Why?  It doesn’t make any sense.

“Jack I’d like to solve the puzzle.  People Eat Schoolbus Tornados.”

How would you respond to that shit?  People eat schoolbus tornados?  No that’s not the fucking phrase, the category is American History you fucktard.  And no matter what the category was that crap doesn’t make any sense.  You’re probably the first person in all of human history to put those four words together in that order.  Congratulations, you are humanity’s new low.

“I’m sorry Alice, that’s not the correct phrase.  Christy, it’s your spin.”

Three puzzles later and we’re into my next least favorite part of the show.  The final round, where I have to go chit chat with the days winner, Alice, despite her insanely wrong guesses has bested Christy and Roger…imagine that.

“You know how this works Alice, you can pick 4 letters and you have 30 seconds to solve the puzzle.”

Alice does not know how this works.  She is totally bewildered and I’m not inclined to be helpful.

“What letters would you like Alice?”

What letters indeed, as if it mattered.  Alice doesn’t try to solve the puzzles so much as shout words that maybe kinda sorta might fit into the space available.  And remember she beat the other two dolts.


“X? Are you sure Alice?”

“Yes Jack, I’d like an X, T, C, and F please.”

You got it Alice, you fucking got it.  The long time letter revealing model glances my way, she hates this shit too.

Alice’s letters are not part of tonight’s puzzle.  Alice proceeds to pull words out of her limited mental dictionary for 30 seconds before we’re all saved by the final buzzer.

“I’m sorry Alice but on the bright side you’re leaving tonight with $8,300 and a trip to Cabo!”

Alice is pretty excited and frankly I am too, but for entirely different reasons.  I was sick of looking at Christy’s mustache and when you get close she smelled like old cheese.  It also means taping is done for the day and I am free from this banality, until tomorrow anyway.  I’m Jack Saypat and this is my life.


Posted in Random Haiku with tags , , , , on July 31, 2014 by impliedmortality


it’s been quite some time

do you, do you still haiku

yes, i do haiku

32″ Mini Green Pine Artificial Christmas Table Top Tree – Unlit

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , on January 8, 2014 by impliedmortality

I cannot begin to describe the degree to which this fake tree appeared to be a real fake tree. It’s astounding the amount of detail that went into producing a realistic fake fake tree. The artists involved are surely of the highest caliber, and likely often attend fancy ball’s where everyone wears those half face masks so they can still drink and eat. Do you really think that any of them are fooled by those masks? I mean if you went to a party with all your friends do you really think there’s any chance that you wouldn’t know it was your buddy Marvin wearing that fancy gown and trying to grope you?

Joe’s USA – Baseball Game Socks – All Colors (Black, Adult (10-13))

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , on January 8, 2014 by impliedmortality

These socks were very sock like in their sockyness. My feet were all ‘Whoa, is that a new sock?’ and I was like ‘You betcha it is.’ and they replied ‘Cool.’ To complete my review please enjoy this sport sock themed haiku:

a sock can not speak
but it can keep a foot warm
if worn properly

VideoSecu Low Profile TV Wall Mount for Most 32″ – 65″ LCD, LED, Plasma, HDTV Flat Panel TV

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , , on January 8, 2014 by impliedmortality

To comment on a tv wall mount of this significance requires an astute understanding of the combined histories of walls, tv’s and tv mounts. We begin with the invention of the wall in prehistoric times, the first cave man smashing the earth with his bear hands to form the first cave.

After having smash-built the cave the caveman finds himself dissatisfied with the entertainment options in his literal man-cave. Many, many years pass and after much hard work the caveman invents a tv mount (most would assume the tv would precede the mount, they are not only wrong but dangerously so). As there has not yet been a TV invented the caveman simply refers to his tv mount as a ‘mount’ and begins his search for something to dangle precariously from it. Many more years pass. And many more years after…until finally, in an explosion of eureka’s the caveman invents the first plasma screen HD tv with multiple HDMI inputs, component and rga support (integrated wifi would not be invented until thousands of years later).

Upon completion of his new wall mountable tv the caveman hangs it and laments to find that he has no dvd’s, no wifi and no cable to connect to his newly cave-wall-mounted-plasma-panel. So he watches the snowy noise his tv picks up from the latent background radiation lingering from the big bang and waits for society to catch up with him, build their own damn walls, build mounts for those walls, build their own HD plasma screen tv’s to hang from those mounts and finally…finally create some dumb show to put on that mounted plasma while they play candy-crush on the couch.

History my Ass

Posted in Fiction, Philosophy, Technology with tags , , on June 28, 2013 by impliedmortality


You know what drives me nuts? Of course you don’t…but sit tight and I’ll tell you.

What drives me nuts is the History channel show called ‘Ancient Aliens’. If you haven’t seen it, it is basically a bunch of historian-esque type characters bloviating about how ancient man couldn’t have been so sophisticated on their own and/or how ancient drawings depict all sorts of alien encounters. Could it be true? I suppose, anything is possible, but this show hilariously omits all the more reasonable explanations and often takes itty-bitty tiny bits of information completely out of context in an effort to make their sensationalist point (Aliens!). Ancient painting of the stars in the sky; must have been inspired by that alien visitors. It couldn’t possibly be that they found the stars interesting in and of themselves. Holy crap! Did you see that chariot looking thing shooting lazers next to the stars in that cave-sky painting? That’s indisputable evidence of ancient aliens playing galactic polo just beyond the stratosphere – or the painter was bored and thought it would look neat.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am among those who believe that aliens exist somewhere in this universe. Given the number of galaxies, stars within them and planets around those it seems absurd to believe otherwise. That said, I don’t think any alien with the ability to hop between galaxies would be hanging around our wet rock full of primitives let alone teaching us astronomy. There are plenty of perfectly reasonable explanations that don’t base themselves on the premise that humans only recently became smart enough to tie our own shoes.

Humans have always been smart, its our evolutionary advantage. We just have better tools today because over time we’ve gotten better at storing and sharing information. I read somewhere that, but for the destruction of the Ancient Library of Alexandria, there would have been nuclear weapons available during the civil war (one might argue that this war would’ve happened 100 years sooner if certain useful bits of geographical and mariner info hadn’t been lost at Alexandria…but I digress). A single lost library set our collective knowledge back an estimated 100 years. That’s pretty startling if you consider all the books, tablets, manuscripts and so on that have been lost to history either by neglect or wanton destruction.

Aside from an improved ability to keep and share information I doubt we are really any different than any other homosapien that has ever lived. You’re not really more evolved or ‘smarter’ than your ancient Mayan counterpart, you were just more likely to have access to food, clean water, lots of books and lots of people to share what they know.

So one theory is that there’s no real difference between ancients and moderns and as such it should be no surprise that they came up with clever ways to solve their problems, build their monuments and observe the universe around them.

Another theory, a personal favorite, is that these ‘advances’ of ancient times and the savants (DaVinci, Newton, Capernicus etc) weren’t simply the Einsteins of their time. They were time travelers or universe hoppers, stuck in their time or our universe, able to create solutions and have ideas that seemed well beyond their time because they had already seen it.

More Theories!

Humans figured out how to spawn new universes, we created this one and traveled here once this planet had time to cook and cool off a bit. We got stuck here after some damned saber tooth tiger ran off with the key to our trans-universe omnibus and after a few hundred generations forgot we ever knew what a universe was only to relearn and arrive at our present state of learnification.