Archive for the Amazon Reviews Category

Life Saved

Posted in Amazon Reviews on October 12, 2015 by impliedmortality
They asked me to review one of the oldest candies in America, I agreed because it gives me an excuse to write some hyperbolic nonsense and link the product from here.  I stopped writing reviews on the Amazon site because they cap the comment to some twitter-esque number of characters and I don’t like my sarcasm being restricted like that.

Lifesavers were discovered in 1912 somewhere in Ohio by some guy named Clarence Crane.  The candy was good, which should be obvious because it’s 2015 and still exists.  However, the hard candy market has gotten more competitive over the last century and Amazon has asked me to review it so I can only assume that there are throngs of people clamoring for hard candies in the shape of donuts but unsure of which donut shaped hard candy to try first.

Try LifeSavers First!  They will (maybe) literally (not literally) save your life!  Just ask the guy who discovered the first LifeSaver mine way back in 1912.

“I’ve been telling people for 103 years now that LifeSavers are not candy, they’re minerals from this weird ass mine I found down by the crick.”  Clarence told me by telegram.  “I don’t think you should eat them.”

Crazy old Clarence Crane!  He’s a stitch and he swears he’s never even once put one in his mouth.

We asked Clarence; ‘How do these save your life?’ to which he replied.  “They don’t.”

Clarence continued; “I’ve said over and over again these are not candy, they’re rocks that I think we all ought to be very concerned about.  Rocks should not be this color or shape, they’re too regular, how did that happen?  Why does the mine never go empty? We’ve not dug once, not once!  LifeSaver Co. has purchased exactly zero mining equipment, we don’t even own a shovel.  Everyday we go back to the mine and it’s just filled with more and more of these colorful round rocks.”

Clarence is going on 150 years old and we think he may be slipping.  The cherry ones are the life savers, the rest are a trick.  Just ask Clarence.
LifeSavers Hard Candy, Five Classic Flavors, Individually Wrapped, 6.5oz Bag

Ride the tide of cleanliness all the way to the bank

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Tide High Efficiency Laundry Detergent, Original Scent, 170 oz- 110 loads (Health and Beauty)

I can’t even begin to describe the impact this laundry soap has had on my life. My clothes are clean, finally and HIGHLY efficiently no less. What’s not to love about clean clothes cleaned in a highly efficient way. Highly efficient.


Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Ziploc Double Zipper Gallon Storage Bags – 52 count

It only took a few minutes to count all 52 bags. That’s 1 bag for every US state and 2 to spare (maybe we’ll use them for Puerto Rico or Canada).

It’s not made from Tin anymore

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil (70-sq. ft. each)- 2-Pack (140 sq. ft. total)

The aluminum was indeed pressed to a very thin sheet, rolled and packaged in a cardboard box to protect it from dents and such. As a bonus after we installed our Aluminum Foil Home Protection system (lining the ceiling and walls) we no longer received the subliminal messages the government transmits in the power lines.

OMG Such Paper So WOW

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , on September 10, 2015 by impliedmortality

Chinet Paper Lunch Plates, 8 3/4″, 225 Count (Health and Beauty)

Who knew a paper plate could bring so much joy into someones life?!?! Upon delivery of this purchase my life completely changed, the sky was bluer, the birds chirped more cheerfully and I started to find little chunks of silver and gold everywhere I went. All thanks to a bag full of paper plates.

32″ Mini Green Pine Artificial Christmas Table Top Tree – Unlit

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , on January 8, 2014 by impliedmortality

I cannot begin to describe the degree to which this fake tree appeared to be a real fake tree. It’s astounding the amount of detail that went into producing a realistic fake fake tree. The artists involved are surely of the highest caliber, and likely often attend fancy ball’s where everyone wears those half face masks so they can still drink and eat. Do you really think that any of them are fooled by those masks? I mean if you went to a party with all your friends do you really think there’s any chance that you wouldn’t know it was your buddy Marvin wearing that fancy gown and trying to grope you?

Joe’s USA – Baseball Game Socks – All Colors (Black, Adult (10-13))

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , on January 8, 2014 by impliedmortality

These socks were very sock like in their sockyness. My feet were all ‘Whoa, is that a new sock?’ and I was like ‘You betcha it is.’ and they replied ‘Cool.’ To complete my review please enjoy this sport sock themed haiku:

a sock can not speak
but it can keep a foot warm
if worn properly

VideoSecu Low Profile TV Wall Mount for Most 32″ – 65″ LCD, LED, Plasma, HDTV Flat Panel TV

Posted in Amazon Reviews with tags , , , , on January 8, 2014 by impliedmortality

To comment on a tv wall mount of this significance requires an astute understanding of the combined histories of walls, tv’s and tv mounts. We begin with the invention of the wall in prehistoric times, the first cave man smashing the earth with his bear hands to form the first cave.

After having smash-built the cave the caveman finds himself dissatisfied with the entertainment options in his literal man-cave. Many, many years pass and after much hard work the caveman invents a tv mount (most would assume the tv would precede the mount, they are not only wrong but dangerously so). As there has not yet been a TV invented the caveman simply refers to his tv mount as a ‘mount’ and begins his search for something to dangle precariously from it. Many more years pass. And many more years after…until finally, in an explosion of eureka’s the caveman invents the first plasma screen HD tv with multiple HDMI inputs, component and rga support (integrated wifi would not be invented until thousands of years later).

Upon completion of his new wall mountable tv the caveman hangs it and laments to find that he has no dvd’s, no wifi and no cable to connect to his newly cave-wall-mounted-plasma-panel. So he watches the snowy noise his tv picks up from the latent background radiation lingering from the big bang and waits for society to catch up with him, build their own damn walls, build mounts for those walls, build their own HD plasma screen tv’s to hang from those mounts and finally…finally create some dumb show to put on that mounted plasma while they play candy-crush on the couch.