Implied Mortality

Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?

<Quoted from an episode of “The Simpsons”>

<Where Homer poses the question to Auto the bus driver>

The question is moot. Jesus would have no idea how to use a microwave.

<Not quoted from any known prior broadcast or printing> 

Could Chuck Norris microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it? 

Never…

You’re saying Chuck Norris can’t make something infinitely hot? Because I think he could.

No he can, and does microwave infinitely hot burritos.  He also eats them.

So Chuck Norris could gnaw on the sun and spit out neutrinos?

I suppose he could if he decided to.  You see nothing hurts Chuck, his chest hair & dead skin & tears cure cancer, influenza, black plague, and rashes.  A wink from Chuck Norris would not only cause a woman to faint but to die and be reborn instantly.

Do you think that Hadron collider is a feeble attempt to move a proton so fast it could out run Chuck Norris?

I think it’s trying to make a Chuck Norris slash Unicorn super being….but that’s just me.

Wow.  That’s a pretty outrageous claim.  I was under the impression that Unicorns are make-believe…Chuck Norris is real.

Yeah yeah yeah.

So could a Unicorn use a magical microwave to heat a make-believe burrito so hot that it could not eat it?

No a unicorn would never touch a microwave.  I’m pretty sure when those got invented all the unicorns in the world died.  At least that’s what my pastor said.  Regardless, Unicorns eat sunshine not burritos. 

You’re dodging the question Senator.

If it was a make-believe pink sparkly microwave that produced sunshine rays & happy baby giggles then yes the Unicorn could eat it.

Do you mean to imply that the Unicorn would eat the microwave and the burrito?

No, just that the Unicorn would only use a make-believe pink sparkly microwave to heat the burrito with sunshine rays and baby giggles and of course, that the Unicorn could then eat that burrito.

Well I said it was a magical microwave, I assumed that would imply pink spakliness.  But for arguments sake we can assume that the burrito was stuffed full of refried beans, sunshine, jalapeño and baby giggles.

Yes the unicorn can eat that burrito.

Even at extreme Unicorn singeing temperatures that this make-believe pink sparkly sunshine ray and baby giggle enabled microwave could produce?

Yes.

So we must conclude that both unicorns (non-existent as they may be) and Chuck Norris are both superior to Jesus in their ability to endure extreme temperatures (or conversely that Jesus is not able to use a microwave very well).

<Sarcastic cough>

Yes, I think that is correct.

So all that remains is an objective microwave usage test for each of the three – if my hypothesis is correct both the Unicorn and Chuck Norris should score notably higher than Jesus due to their being a) known to be alive during an era in human history when microwaves were available for use or b) able to create or acquire make-believe kitchen appliances as in the case of the Unicorn. 

We can then have each of them consume the burrito and measure their response using a standardized ‘pain’ (or magical equivalent) scale to rate the relative hotness of the burrito.  Correlating that data with the microwave usage test scores should provide a definitive conclusion: 

“…We must conclude that while there is no relationship demonstrated between a beings’ ability to consume immeasurably hot burritos and ones ability to effectively (perhaps even masterfully?) operate a microwave, both Chuck Norris and the Unicorn perform better on both scales and so must be found to be superior to Jesus in regard to the inquiry “Could ‘x’ microwave a burrito so hot that ‘x’ itself could not eat it?”.