Archive for October 12, 2015

Life Saved

Posted in Amazon Reviews on October 12, 2015 by impliedmortality
They asked me to review one of the oldest candies in America, I agreed because it gives me an excuse to write some hyperbolic nonsense and link the product from here.  I stopped writing reviews on the Amazon site because they cap the comment to some twitter-esque number of characters and I don’t like my sarcasm being restricted like that.

Lifesavers were discovered in 1912 somewhere in Ohio by some guy named Clarence Crane.  The candy was good, which should be obvious because it’s 2015 and still exists.  However, the hard candy market has gotten more competitive over the last century and Amazon has asked me to review it so I can only assume that there are throngs of people clamoring for hard candies in the shape of donuts but unsure of which donut shaped hard candy to try first.

Try LifeSavers First!  They will (maybe) literally (not literally) save your life!  Just ask the guy who discovered the first LifeSaver mine way back in 1912.

“I’ve been telling people for 103 years now that LifeSavers are not candy, they’re minerals from this weird ass mine I found down by the crick.”  Clarence told me by telegram.  “I don’t think you should eat them.”

Crazy old Clarence Crane!  He’s a stitch and he swears he’s never even once put one in his mouth.

We asked Clarence; ‘How do these save your life?’ to which he replied.  “They don’t.”

Clarence continued; “I’ve said over and over again these are not candy, they’re rocks that I think we all ought to be very concerned about.  Rocks should not be this color or shape, they’re too regular, how did that happen?  Why does the mine never go empty? We’ve not dug once, not once!  LifeSaver Co. has purchased exactly zero mining equipment, we don’t even own a shovel.  Everyday we go back to the mine and it’s just filled with more and more of these colorful round rocks.”

Clarence is going on 150 years old and we think he may be slipping.  The cherry ones are the life savers, the rest are a trick.  Just ask Clarence.
LifeSavers Hard Candy, Five Classic Flavors, Individually Wrapped, 6.5oz Bag