Whatever!

Posted in Philosophy on September 10, 2009 by impliedmortality

Whatever universe. You think you’re so BIG…so TUFF…well you’re not. You’re just a big (really big) ball of itty bitty bits of nothing all piled together and spread around. You like to make things interesting, I get that. But seriously, lay the F off! I’m not joking around here. One more outburst, one more curve ball, one more life altering challenge and who knows what I might do.

I might punch you right square in the face, and you know what? You’d deserve it. No one would say a word. None of your universal buddies would stand up and say: “Hey! Don’t hit my friend!” –Nope. They’d just sit there and watch while your stupid bloody universe nose bled all over your stupid shirt. And when that happens (and it will my obnoxious friend) be careful how you respond. A wrongish look and kapow! Another devastating blow to your stupid universe face. More blood, and teeth this time, rattling on the floor.

You’ve been warned.

Bye Dad…

Posted in Random Haiku on September 4, 2009 by impliedmortality

my dad died last week
talk about a real bad week
at least i was there

Antidisestablishmentarianism…

Posted in Random Haiku with tags , , , , , on August 19, 2009 by impliedmortality

my favorite word
is very very very very very long
and its fun to spell

Culvers…

Posted in Random Haiku with tags , , on August 14, 2009 by impliedmortality

a sourdough melt
is a pretty good lunch food
but its quite greasey

August 13, 2004…

Posted in Philosophy, Random Haiku with tags , , , on August 10, 2009 by impliedmortality

it’s been five years now
and i still miss him a lot
it’s a real sad week

Huey Lewis…

Posted in Random Haiku with tags , , , , on August 5, 2009 by impliedmortality

the power of love
is the heart of rock and roll
and its the new drug

One Giant Step…

Posted in Random Haiku with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2009 by impliedmortality

if you believe that
the moon landing was faked
you are a retard

*a rare double feature*

took one giant step
to the next great put put course
time to start building

Hugh…

Posted in Random Haiku with tags , , , , , on July 18, 2009 by impliedmortality

hugh hefner is deaf
he has been for twenty years
how else could this be

Aristocrats…

Posted in Random Haiku with tags , , , , on July 13, 2009 by impliedmortality

Aristocrat Haiku Napkin

poop pee cum and blood
all sound like a lot of fun
the aristocrats

*contributed by guest author ‘Fly’

Baseball 101: Balls & Strikes Explained

Posted in Misc. on June 18, 2009 by impliedmortality

Now there will be those of you who don’t agree with this but lets face it, you’re wrong and you know it. Arguing whether or not a particular pitch was a ball or strike is the height of futility and could only be described as an exercise in moral management in that the only possible positive outcome would be (if achieved) an improvement in the general mood of your team. There is also a case to be made that the umpires future calls could be swayed by a good brow beating…its possible but if it were me those wouldn’t be going the way of the old guy’s team who just sprayed spit all over me.

Simply put, a pitch does not become a ball or a strike until it is declared to be one or the other by the home plate umpire (blind as he or she may be). The actual position of the pitch (vertically and horizontally in space as it passes by the batter) has only a correlation (not a causation) on the outcome. I can hear the chorus of half-baked argument rising already…”then why sir, do we define a ‘strike zone’?”. Simple, the strike zone is in fact nothing more than a guideline (like speed limits and tax codes) so the Pitcher, Batter and Umpire have some general concept of where a pitch could, or should be thrown.

The pitcher throws the ball (and in doing so births a brand new baby we name Pitch every single time). The umpire then declares the baby Pitch to have been either a ball or strike based entirely on his or her arbitrary interpretation of what constitutes a strike (before you start, since when do any umpires of any sports actually bother to read the rules of the game anyway).

The moral of the story, for all the young batters and old coaches is this: As a pitcher, you have to ‘find’ the zone the umpire of the day has pulled from his hat. As a batter, you simply have to swing at pitches you can hit and pay only passing attention to what they get called. If the umpire is consistent then noting a pitches location relative to it being called a strike can be extremely useful. All parties should always know the count but don’t get to wrapped up in the numbers…in the end it’s about smacking that little sucker out in the field so some other official has a chance to blow a call that’s not completely arbitrary.