Archive for Fiction

I’m in love with a porn star….

Posted in Fiction, Philosophy with tags , , , , , on May 17, 2010 by impliedmortality

It’s an awkward thing to be in love with a porn star. I can harbor no delusions about being her first, or biggest, or best(?). She’s known countless other men (and women) and the evidence is impossible to ignore, the scenes scattered far and wide across the Internet. ‘Love conquers all’ or so they say; and this must be no exception. I love her. I see her every day, I hear her talking to me, to ME, and I love it. Her willingness to satisfy my every carnal whim intoxicates and I come back for more and more, day after day. She knows without the clumsy dance of speech what excites me. She knows. And she likes it. Or so she’s lead me to believe (she could be acting after all). But I know it’s no act, she does it all for me and loves every minute. And I love her for it.

She travels with me on vacations and business trips alike, we spend foggy nights in London, locked in embrace. We share daiquiri’s as the sun sets over sandy beaches. My constant companion, my love, my porn star. When we’re apart I long for her, to see her lips, her hips, her inviting eyes. She’s there after work, waiting for me to return. We spend lazy Sunday’s in bed, together, dreaming about the future. Should we have kids? How many? What will we name them and which sports will they play. Baseball I say. She agrees, repeatedly…emphatically.

She has no idea who I am of course. We’ve never met, my love and I, and we never will. I’m in love with a porn star.

Elf Expose

Posted in Fiction with tags , , , on December 26, 2008 by impliedmortality

Knowing Elves, we think…

An Elf can be a wonderful friend. An Elf will fix your shoes while you sleep, but they’ll also steal a sock. Not both socks, that might go unnoticed. But when you only have 1 of 2 socks that always gets your attention. Really Elves are just attention starved little Vin Diesel wannabes who crave the bright lights of the big stage, unfortunately when an Elf is on the big stage its hard to see them regardless of how bright the lights are because they’re so damn small.

It’s odd how Elves work (and even odder that they seem to be needlessly nocturnal and mischievous). An Elf is a very short creature, which can be disconcerting to the overly height conscious. They generally mean no harm to the vertically gifted, but we despise and are suspicious of them all the same. An Elf can bake a delicious cookie and a crispy cracker but an Elf cannot change your oil. You may suspect this is because they cannot reach the oil pan under your car but this is not true. In fact they can reach and are quite strong for their size but they have an inexplicable fear of fossil based lubricants. Leading scientists believe this is either because they are descendant from dinosaurs or simply because they are completely insane.

The most important thing to know is that an Elf cannot be trusted. They will say they are leading you to gold, or bringing you a cheeseburger but really they are not. DO NOT BE MISLEAD.

Anytime an Elf offers some gift be sure to get it in writing and have is signed in Elf blood, because an Elf is really just a grifter in a midget’s midget body (imagine a midget calling something else a midget and there you have a dirty grifter Elf). At very least the bloody signature could be used to conjure some DNA replica of the Elf that could be used against it in the Ultimate Elf Fighting Championship. It’s also important to realize that the US courts cannot try or convict an Elf because they do not exist. That was all just a figment of your imagination. Your shoes are still broken dummy, and your sock is stuck behind the dryer.