Archive for zombie

Zombie Arby’s – A Mad Chefs Private Notes II

Posted in Misc. with tags , , , , on June 4, 2009 by impliedmortality

Chefs Log : 060309-a7:12
Our quest to revive deceased snacks continues this evening ladies and gentlemen! I am proud to announce that we have done it again! Tonight I will describe to you the tools and techniques required to create your very own army of undead roast beef sandwiches.

The first requirement of course is to purchase a roast beef sandwich. For this test we ordered a medium roast beef sandwich from the local Arby’s. It was a precarious exercise as the parking lot was riddled with half unfinished construction projects and the men who would presumably be working on them had they not been abandoned for whatever reason.

Allow that sandwich to expire first on your desk where you had intended to eat it and then several hours later in the refrigerator while you ponder what t-shirt to wear on the couch that evening.

Materials for part “A”

roast beef sandwich

Chefs Log 060309-b7:50
The “B” phase is where all the action is. Now get off that couch and go remove that sandwich from the paper bag and foil wrapper. CAREFULLY remove the bread from the alleged roast beef. Place the bread or bun if you prefer, and place it on the open rack of your trusty toaster oven. Insert and initiate toast function Alpha-Gulf-ToastyToast (this is generally the most reliable toaster setting. any toaster without this specific label is probably complete junk).

Now gather up that ‘roast beef’ that is left and pile it on a paper plate in a pile that is of approximately the size and shape of the intended bread / bun target. Place a slice of REAL CHEESE on top of that meat pile and insert that into your 20gigawatt microwave (lesser models tremble before the mighty power of the 20gigawatt). microwave it until it is half way done and then stop it. What is half way? How the hell should I know!? You are going to have to watch and listen for cooking noises and just guess or something.

Check the bread! GAAWD! It’s probably burning. Is it burning? Soggy still you say? Well I guess we caught it just in time, put it back in and restart the COOKING OF THE MEAT!!!

Ding – Ding That was the toaster and the microwave going off at the same time. Sounding the alert that the time has come to assemble this mighty undead sandwich BEAST.

Chefs Log: 060309-c8:00
Immediately remove the the bread/bun slices from the toaster oven and place them on a plate of some sort. Apply any arby’s, horsey, or other sauce types you wish while the bread is cooling. Using a spatula, your hand, a sandal, or the unusual utensil of your choice (send pictures please) place the still smoldering meat pile onto a slice of bread/bun. Top with the other half of that toasty bread/bun and press down…. GENTLY DAMN IT! Whew…close one.

Zombie Cookies – A Mad Chefs Private Notes

Posted in Misc. with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2009 by impliedmortality

Chefs log: 090324.1
It occurs to me that I’ve oft found home-made chocolate chip cookies to go stale before I can completely consume a fresh batch. Sadly this has, on past occasions, led to the wasteful dismissal of oh so many a stale cookie. Alas, this evening a flash of inspiration! In one spontaneous explosion of insight into the mysterious realms of baking, physics and taste I’ve envisioned the holy grail of food life elongation, I’m going to recover a home-made chocolate chip cookie from the dead!

Chefs log: 090324.1a
The central issue in a stale cookie is of course the loss of moisture from the baked good. It is this deficiency that my radical procedure will attempt to, for the first time in human history, reverse. Much has been written of prolonging the life of one’s home made cookie, there is the obvious need to insulate the cookie from the greater atmosphere’s through such means as wrapping or stashing in an airtight container. Some have suggested storing the cookie in such a container with another baked good to act as a moisture reserve, the bakers equivalent of a crude camels hump, would extend the deliciousness period of a home made cookies life. But what of the cookie already stale! Indeed, and it is this which we will now endeavor to address.

The radical cookie moisture infusion experimental procedure “alpha” is as follows:
Required materials:
-Paper plates (2)(3 if you want to eat your cookie off of one when finished)
-Microwave (1)
-Tap water (1 gallon)
-Brown Sugar (4 cups)
-Cinnamon (1 bushel)
-Honey (2 liters)
-Butter (1 lbs)

On the first paper plate pour a small amount of water on to the surface such that the water does not over spill the edges when the 2nd paper plate is set on top. Place the 2nd paper plate atop the first smashing the water between gently. Place the cookie or cookies atop the 2nd paper plate, note that they are insulated from the direct soggy wetness by the paper plate. It should be observed that this test utilized the superior structural capacity of Chinette brand paper plates.

Transport by appropriate means the stacked paper plates containing the water and the cookie or cookies to the Microwave cooking appliance. Insert the plate cookie stack and microwave those sad, dry, undesirable cookies at full power. Cooking time will vary depending on the materials and microwave power and thus you should monitor the cooking cookie or cookies closely. Pressing your fingers against the top flat surface of a representative cookie will allow you to gauge the progress. You should aspire to remove the cookie when it has become warm but not hot and the texture is noticeably more spongy.

Once removed quickly apply butter to the top surfaces of the cookie or cookies so as to take advantage of the latent warmth, this should if performed correctly, cause the butter to be absorbed into the chewy structures of the cookie or cookies. Sprinkle brown sugar and cinnamon on top to taste and enjoy your delicious zombie cookie! Honey may be added for a special sweet surprise.

Chefs log: 090324.1b

The radical cookie moisture infusion experimental procedure “alpha” is a complete success. The cookie lives! The implications are staggering, should the same concept be applied to mankind we would become IMMORTAL! A new bread of un-dead cookie eating super-human! I’ve enabled the next great evolutionary leap!

I also believe a niche bakery business could be carved from creative use of this procedure on day old baked goods. Things to ponder…