Archive for the Misc. Category

Woe is for the woeful

Posted in Misc., Philosophy with tags , , , on September 8, 2010 by impliedmortality

When you say goodbye to those you love
perhaps not on the best of terms
It can leave you tired
Depressed an accurate word.
This can linger eb and flow
Torment you to no end
It can zap your strength
(So preserve your will)
Never should you pretend
That you’ve been so wounded
So fouled that all is lost
Sleep (and run)
Embrace the quiet frost
Resolve to see the end
Stay up for the show
For when it passes
(And it will)
You will then have found
A strength you had not known
A new wisdom held within
A world to explore with those
Who still share your wicked grin

On Match-head Combustibility and Explosive Tennis Ball Mechanics

Posted in Misc. with tags , , , , , , on June 30, 2010 by impliedmortality

Let it be shown that the studies contained herein were conducted with the utmost regard to personal and public safety. At no time were detonations permitted in unsecured areas. All explosions were triggered remotely by wizards of the highest order who continuously monitored the explosive materials during transport, assembly and ultimate annihilation. Mathematical compositions are completely contrived and contain no factual data whatsoever. I made most of this up, if you’re still reading then you will hopefully find the rest amusing.

On Match-head Combustibility and Explosive Tennis Ball Mechanics

When one sets out to ponder the combustibility of match heads one obviously assumes (rightly as we shall see) that there is indeed some combustibility.  Why else would the material(s) which constitute the match-head be used if not precisely because they are, to some degree, combustible?  Certainly many of the readers of this report will recall having struck a match-head in their previous life experience only to find the match-head bursts quite excitedly into flame.  It is this very property of the match-head, its overt combustibility, which we will first examine.


The Match :

All matches are not created equal.  Some are prepared on stiff pieces of cardboard, others on short wooden sticks.  Some on quite long wooden sticks and still others on the bones of the vanquished.  For our purposes the material used in the ‘stick’ portion of the match is of no consequence.  This being the case you may be inclined to ask; “Then why sir have we spent 3 sentences discussing the match-stick when it is said to be of no consequence?”  Why indeed.

There are similarly a variety of match-head constructions, which as it happens, are of some consequence to our discussion.  For most considering the chemical and physical composition of their match-head exceeds the brain-use barrier threshold*  and as a result no consideration is given.  However, when one seeks to optimize the performance or outcome resulting from the use of a match the composition proves quite important indeed.

Generally match-heads can be broken into 2 categories.  Those that will light on any rough surface (self lighting) and those that require the ‘strike pad’ provided on the match book or box.  The design of the so-called ‘self lighting’ matches is a heavily guarded secret, with the highly sensitive formula kept in a titanium vault buried deep below the surface of the moon.  A legion of un-dead Martian zombies have been patrolling the vault room for at least the past 50 years to ensure the secret formula not be published on wiki-leaks.  For this and many other reasons the ‘self lighting’ matches are more expensive and more difficult to acquire.

Choosing the type of match-head depends on the type of combustion desired.  We present in this paper 2 variations – the ‘Impact Fuse’ and the ‘Time Delay Fuse’.  The ‘self lighting’ match should be used when an impact fuse is desired, a standard match if a time delay fuse is required.  Please note that a impact fuse device is considered sensitive and should be handled and transported with care as a sufficient jostling can and will ignite the match-head(s).  Once you have determined which sort of detonation your project requires obtain a whole mess of matches and haphazardly chop the heads off of all of them, separating the match sticks into a pile of useless wood or cardboard.  You can give the little sticks to small children you don’t like (they’re a choking hazard) or use them as tinder for a small but growing brushfire which will eventually be blamed on vagrants.

The Tennis Ball:

Tennis Ball

Tennis balls are a dime a dozen (not really) and easily found at all sorts of sporting goods stores and departments (really).  If your neighborhood features a tennis court at a park or public area you may even find them abandoned or thought lost in the nearby bushes.  Tennis players are generally quick but those adventurers fleet of foot may even have some success streaking across an active court and snatching a tennis ball mid-flight then running off into the distance.  This action will surely confuse any who witness it.  In any event you will need to acquire a tennis ball before its explosiveness can be achieved and its mechanics evaluated.

Having now acquired a tennis ball we must analyze it carefully.  We can deduce that the ball is made from the reproductive organs of some unknown beast, likely inhabiting some distant rain forest.   We can see that a baseball enthusiast artisan in a sweat shop has carefully carved a line in the fuzz as an homage to the threads of a baseball.  Presumably this is done in an effort to increase interest in the otherwise uninteresting sport of tennis.  Neither the fuzz nor the carved thread line is of any relevance.

We must now bounce the tennis ball and measure the results.  You should find that dropping the ball to the ground results in less bounce than throwing the ball at the ground.  Also, let it be shown that the degree of force applied to the ball predictably effects the subsequent rebound.  As it turns out this is all irrelevant but it was fun to bounce the ball around a bit and it provides a scientific context for having done so.

Once the bounce to toss ratio has been confirmed we begin the process of rending the tennis ball explosive.  This process will negate the bounciness of the ball so if you have taken pains to record the bounce ratios please crumple and discard those figures now.

Note: Those with an aversion to moderate to severe burns, explosive concussion, brush fires and injured or missing fingers should not attempt to recreate this experiment.

Tennis Ball Assembly

Step 1:  Using a sharp or pointy object we create a small hole large enough for a match-head in the tennis ball.  Do not worry, the tennis ball feels no pain as a result of this incision.  It’s a little known fact that tennis balls feel no pain.

Step 2:  We then insert the match-heads into the small hole we’ve just created in the tennis ball.  Please note that we have taken care while inserting the match-heads to avoid premature ignition and subsequent burning of the tennis ball beyond recognition.

Having combined the match-heads and tennis ball we now explore the explosiveness of the tennis ball in an ‘impact fuse’ configuration.  Doing so requires careful preparation and highly sensitive instruments and as such it is not recommended that armatures attempt further inquiry.

Upon examination it now appears as though the neatly carved psuedo-thread of the tennis ball is smiling mockingly at us.  This displeases the attentive scientist.  Does the ball not realize who is in charge?  Why is it smiling mockingly?  Why didn’t we notice this condecending facial expression earlier in the ‘Tennis Ball’ section of the report?  All valid questions which will go curiously unanswered.

Taking the inverse proportion of the quantum sigma 5y omega minus the radius of the ball and then divided by the imagined number of match-heads results in the WBR (Wizards Blast Ratio), in this case 7.  A WBR of 7 indicates that we can expect a noisy boom followed by a shower of flaming embers upon detonation.  The power of the blast, WBR x 8.2 / 78x is expressed in WCU’s (Wiley Coyote Units) a relatively modest 0.8.  By hastily merging the WBR and WCU we arrive at a value of 7.8, a number which carries no specific meaning but because it has a decimal will appear to have been carefully calculated.  We can then state definitively that we know little to nothing about the actual power or impact our tennis ball can be expected to assert upon detonation.  Hooray – lets throw it!

Having searched Google for a suitable location we find that it was of little help.  Perhaps a more specific search is in order but screw it, lets just go to the nearest park no one uses.  Ahh, here we go.  Detonation of the impact fuse device is devilishly simple.  We could have created an elaborate and costly launching apparatus, employing dozens if not hundreds of migrant workers in the extremely inefficient and wildly dangerous manufacturing process.  Instead we opt for a upper body appendage delivery system (UBADS) whereby clean ‘green’ carbon neutral non-polluting Al Gore-friendly power is used to launch the ball.   A launch trajectory of 64 degrees is arbitrarily choosen and paired (without due consideration) with a launch velocity of “hard-but-not-too-hard” specified, again without any particular reason.

watch where you point that mouse....

Unrelated Explosion

Video of the inaugural launch was taken but has subsequently been lost due to the elves that steal not only socks but camcorders and other pricey electronics.  In place of that video I will now describe, in excruciating detail, the flight of the ball.

It went up at first, moving quickly at a speed generated exclusively by effective use of the UBADS launching system.  You could clearly see the yellow ball traveling across the blue sky.  There were no clouds that day, though it did rain later that week.  It looked like it might have had a bit of backspin though it is hard to ascertain how much, we’ll say 10 revolutions per second and assume that is in fact accurate.  It continued on its upward trajectory for a bit then peaked at the top of its arc whereupon it began an accelerating decent approaching initial launch speed as it neared the targeted section of asphalt.  As it flew downward a small bird flew past, coming no closer than 50 feet from the ball.  If we’d done this at night the bird may have been a bat and that bat may have chased the ball thinking it an enormous mosquito.

Upon landing the tennis ball burst quite energetically resulting in a small explosion bearing little to no resemblance to that in the picture provided to the right.  There was no observable damage to the asphalt but the tennis ball was another story all together.  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…for the tennis ball that is.  While certainly the flight through the air was not only acceptable but enjoyable to the ball it could have had no way of knowing that trip would be its last.  For tennis balls tend to pay little attention to what goes on when they’re not flying through the air, so this one knew not that it was stuffed with match-heads.  We regret to inform that the tennis ball did not survive, its charred fractured remains were discarded in a nearby trash can.

Following the initial explosion there was a rain of fiery bits that lasted a few moments.  Care was taken to extinguish the small resulting secondary fires, no damage was reported as a result.  The fire rain was twinkly and nice to watch, but one would not wish to be beneath it as it fell because, well, its fiery bits and those burn stuff.

In conclusion we find that match-heads are indeed combustible and when combined with a tennis ball mechanically altered and moved, create an ‘explosive tennis ball’ thereby rending our report title accurate.  Furthermore we find that the mocking smile of the tennis ball has been effectively eliminated and, in fact, may not have existed to begin with.  In retrospect it seems improbable that the balls expression changed at any point leading up to the final combustion, which quite permanently altered its expression from one of fuzzy green smiley’s to charred black fragments.

* – The “Brain-Use Barrier Threshold” describes to what degree the anticipated complexity of a train of thought impacts whether or not the train will be permitted to leave the station.

Life before the Google.

Posted in Misc. with tags , , on June 9, 2010 by impliedmortality


Posted in Misc. with tags , , , , , on December 17, 2009 by impliedmortality

This is meant to be funny but will (hopefully) offend at least a few of you. If you object to my satirization of Christmas then I recommend you reconsider dedicating a month to shopping on behalf of an alleged deity which you may or may not even believe in. If you object to my ruination of John Fogerty’s baseball anthem ‘Centerfield’ then I completely understand and welcome your criticisms.

Well, play the harp and wrap the gifts – the snow came down today!
We’re born again, there’s new gifts under the tree.
Leavin the mall, and headed for home, it’s a brown-eyed handsome man;
Anyone can understand the way I feel.

Oh, put me in, jesus – I’m ready to shop today;
Put me in, jesus – I’m ready to shop today;
Look at me, I can be Santa Claus.

Well, I spent some time in the outlet malls, watchin’ it from the street;
You know I took some lumps when the mob trampled me down.
So say hey Frosty, tell Virginia and mr hanky the christmas poo;
Don’t say “it ain’t so”, you know that Santa’s real.


Got a crooked tree, a homemade star, and brand-new box of lights;
You know I think it’s time to give this holiday a ride.
Just to hit the mall and buy it all – a moment in the Gap;
Now you’re broke and you can tell that mall goodbye!


There are no miracles in Ohio

Posted in Misc., Philosophy with tags , , , on October 15, 2009 by impliedmortality

There are no miracles in Ohio.
The state just cannot catch a break.
No there are no miracles in Ohio,
just a fading hope for escape.

There are no miracles in Ohio.
No way to make it okay.
No one to deliver the hope,
to a heartland wrought with decay.

There are no miracles in Ohio.
No underdogs poised to shine.
No last second victors, no hero’s,
no winners parading today.

There are no miracles in Ohio.
None as far as the eye can see.
Lost in a sea of subsidized corn,
the promise of what we would be.

There are no miracles in Ohio.
Even the Buckeye’s can’t put one away.
No there are no miracles in Ohio,
oh how did we all go astray?

There are no miracles in Ohio.
But there will be again someday.

Baseball 101: Balls & Strikes Explained

Posted in Misc. on June 18, 2009 by impliedmortality

Now there will be those of you who don’t agree with this but lets face it, you’re wrong and you know it. Arguing whether or not a particular pitch was a ball or strike is the height of futility and could only be described as an exercise in moral management in that the only possible positive outcome would be (if achieved) an improvement in the general mood of your team. There is also a case to be made that the umpires future calls could be swayed by a good brow beating…its possible but if it were me those wouldn’t be going the way of the old guy’s team who just sprayed spit all over me.

Simply put, a pitch does not become a ball or a strike until it is declared to be one or the other by the home plate umpire (blind as he or she may be). The actual position of the pitch (vertically and horizontally in space as it passes by the batter) has only a correlation (not a causation) on the outcome. I can hear the chorus of half-baked argument rising already…”then why sir, do we define a ‘strike zone’?”. Simple, the strike zone is in fact nothing more than a guideline (like speed limits and tax codes) so the Pitcher, Batter and Umpire have some general concept of where a pitch could, or should be thrown.

The pitcher throws the ball (and in doing so births a brand new baby we name Pitch every single time). The umpire then declares the baby Pitch to have been either a ball or strike based entirely on his or her arbitrary interpretation of what constitutes a strike (before you start, since when do any umpires of any sports actually bother to read the rules of the game anyway).

The moral of the story, for all the young batters and old coaches is this: As a pitcher, you have to ‘find’ the zone the umpire of the day has pulled from his hat. As a batter, you simply have to swing at pitches you can hit and pay only passing attention to what they get called. If the umpire is consistent then noting a pitches location relative to it being called a strike can be extremely useful. All parties should always know the count but don’t get to wrapped up in the numbers…in the end it’s about smacking that little sucker out in the field so some other official has a chance to blow a call that’s not completely arbitrary.

Zombie Arby’s – A Mad Chefs Private Notes II

Posted in Misc. with tags , , , , on June 4, 2009 by impliedmortality

Chefs Log : 060309-a7:12
Our quest to revive deceased snacks continues this evening ladies and gentlemen! I am proud to announce that we have done it again! Tonight I will describe to you the tools and techniques required to create your very own army of undead roast beef sandwiches.

The first requirement of course is to purchase a roast beef sandwich. For this test we ordered a medium roast beef sandwich from the local Arby’s. It was a precarious exercise as the parking lot was riddled with half unfinished construction projects and the men who would presumably be working on them had they not been abandoned for whatever reason.

Allow that sandwich to expire first on your desk where you had intended to eat it and then several hours later in the refrigerator while you ponder what t-shirt to wear on the couch that evening.

Materials for part “A”

roast beef sandwich

Chefs Log 060309-b7:50
The “B” phase is where all the action is. Now get off that couch and go remove that sandwich from the paper bag and foil wrapper. CAREFULLY remove the bread from the alleged roast beef. Place the bread or bun if you prefer, and place it on the open rack of your trusty toaster oven. Insert and initiate toast function Alpha-Gulf-ToastyToast (this is generally the most reliable toaster setting. any toaster without this specific label is probably complete junk).

Now gather up that ‘roast beef’ that is left and pile it on a paper plate in a pile that is of approximately the size and shape of the intended bread / bun target. Place a slice of REAL CHEESE on top of that meat pile and insert that into your 20gigawatt microwave (lesser models tremble before the mighty power of the 20gigawatt). microwave it until it is half way done and then stop it. What is half way? How the hell should I know!? You are going to have to watch and listen for cooking noises and just guess or something.

Check the bread! GAAWD! It’s probably burning. Is it burning? Soggy still you say? Well I guess we caught it just in time, put it back in and restart the COOKING OF THE MEAT!!!

Ding – Ding That was the toaster and the microwave going off at the same time. Sounding the alert that the time has come to assemble this mighty undead sandwich BEAST.

Chefs Log: 060309-c8:00
Immediately remove the the bread/bun slices from the toaster oven and place them on a plate of some sort. Apply any arby’s, horsey, or other sauce types you wish while the bread is cooling. Using a spatula, your hand, a sandal, or the unusual utensil of your choice (send pictures please) place the still smoldering meat pile onto a slice of bread/bun. Top with the other half of that toasty bread/bun and press down…. GENTLY DAMN IT! Whew…close one.

Don’t Fuck with Chuck…

Posted in Misc. on March 27, 2009 by impliedmortality

Bruce Lee “killed” Chuck Norris in the Way of the Dragon (watch them fight!). Now Bruce Lee and his son are both dead. Coincidence?

Zombie Cookies – A Mad Chefs Private Notes

Posted in Misc. with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2009 by impliedmortality

Chefs log: 090324.1
It occurs to me that I’ve oft found home-made chocolate chip cookies to go stale before I can completely consume a fresh batch. Sadly this has, on past occasions, led to the wasteful dismissal of oh so many a stale cookie. Alas, this evening a flash of inspiration! In one spontaneous explosion of insight into the mysterious realms of baking, physics and taste I’ve envisioned the holy grail of food life elongation, I’m going to recover a home-made chocolate chip cookie from the dead!

Chefs log: 090324.1a
The central issue in a stale cookie is of course the loss of moisture from the baked good. It is this deficiency that my radical procedure will attempt to, for the first time in human history, reverse. Much has been written of prolonging the life of one’s home made cookie, there is the obvious need to insulate the cookie from the greater atmosphere’s through such means as wrapping or stashing in an airtight container. Some have suggested storing the cookie in such a container with another baked good to act as a moisture reserve, the bakers equivalent of a crude camels hump, would extend the deliciousness period of a home made cookies life. But what of the cookie already stale! Indeed, and it is this which we will now endeavor to address.

The radical cookie moisture infusion experimental procedure “alpha” is as follows:
Required materials:
-Paper plates (2)(3 if you want to eat your cookie off of one when finished)
-Microwave (1)
-Tap water (1 gallon)
-Brown Sugar (4 cups)
-Cinnamon (1 bushel)
-Honey (2 liters)
-Butter (1 lbs)

On the first paper plate pour a small amount of water on to the surface such that the water does not over spill the edges when the 2nd paper plate is set on top. Place the 2nd paper plate atop the first smashing the water between gently. Place the cookie or cookies atop the 2nd paper plate, note that they are insulated from the direct soggy wetness by the paper plate. It should be observed that this test utilized the superior structural capacity of Chinette brand paper plates.

Transport by appropriate means the stacked paper plates containing the water and the cookie or cookies to the Microwave cooking appliance. Insert the plate cookie stack and microwave those sad, dry, undesirable cookies at full power. Cooking time will vary depending on the materials and microwave power and thus you should monitor the cooking cookie or cookies closely. Pressing your fingers against the top flat surface of a representative cookie will allow you to gauge the progress. You should aspire to remove the cookie when it has become warm but not hot and the texture is noticeably more spongy.

Once removed quickly apply butter to the top surfaces of the cookie or cookies so as to take advantage of the latent warmth, this should if performed correctly, cause the butter to be absorbed into the chewy structures of the cookie or cookies. Sprinkle brown sugar and cinnamon on top to taste and enjoy your delicious zombie cookie! Honey may be added for a special sweet surprise.

Chefs log: 090324.1b

The radical cookie moisture infusion experimental procedure “alpha” is a complete success. The cookie lives! The implications are staggering, should the same concept be applied to mankind we would become IMMORTAL! A new bread of un-dead cookie eating super-human! I’ve enabled the next great evolutionary leap!

I also believe a niche bakery business could be carved from creative use of this procedure on day old baked goods. Things to ponder…

Racing Camel…

Posted in Misc. with tags , , , on March 11, 2009 by impliedmortality

Ever notice how a racing camel looks like a cross between a greyhound and a giraffe?

…me neither.